Deadpool Dialogue
by Mr.Pool
Summary: Yes, reader, today you get to witness a thing only fabled to have happened... Deadpool getting hired by phone! Much like the beginning of Cable&Deadpool #1, Deadpool gets a phone call from a mysterious stranger, and sure enough, he gets hired!


**Click.**

"_Today, Sue Storm has announced…"_

**DP:**"Pfft. She's so totally got fake boobs. Look at them, they're too perfect… Damnit, she's hot… Why are the invisible ones always hot?"

**Click.**

"_E.T Phone Home…"_

**DP:**"Gay. No, I didn't mean it like that! I'm not homophobic, Joe… am I?"

**Click.**

"_Spider-Man has done it again! This time saving the life of…"_

**DP:**"I so totally got my costume first! Look at that crappy stitching! And the colour always gets darker every issue! How can people say I look like him…?"

**RING. RING.**

**DP:**"Yeeeellow?"

**Client:**"Hello? Is this Deadpool?"

**DP:**"No, this is Thor."

**Client:**"Thor?"

**DP:**"That's right, Thor. Y'know, turns green when he's angry."

**Client:**"Umm… That's The Hulk."

**DP:**"It is?"

**Client:**"Yeah."

**DP: **"Oh. How did Thor get his powers?"

**Client: **"Isn't he a God?"

**DP: **"Really? I just thought he was on steroids and had to talk like Macbeth."

**Client: **"Is this Deadpool or not?!"

**DP: **"Do I owe you money?"

**Client: **"No."

**DP: **"Do I owe you a body part?"

**Client: **"What!? No!"

**DP: **"Do you kill me later?"

**Client: **"I… no?"

**DP: **"Great! Yeah, this is Deadpool."

**Client: **"I hear you… you kill people?"

**DP: **"Sir, I am a baker!"

**Client: **"… No, really, do you kill people?"

**DP: **"Well, I sure do make a KILLER cupcake!"

**[Deadpool shows a thumbs up.] **

**DP: **"…"

**Client: **"… Are you still there?

**DP: **"Yeah. So what did you need, anyway?

**Client: **"I have a job for you."

**DP: **"I got a job, thanks. I'm a mercenary."

**Client: **"… That's what I mean. I want you to get rid of someone."

**DP: **"Who?"

**Client: **"…"

**DP: **"Oh, HIM!"

**Client: **"I haven't told you yet…"

**DP: **"Weren't those periods so the reader wouldn't know who it was?"

**Client: **"What periods? Reader?"

**DP: **"Nevermind. So who?"

**Client: **"Mister Fantastic."

**DP: **"Ooh, wowzers. How much?"

**Client: **"£500,000."

**DP: **"You're cold."

**Client: **"£750,000?"

**DP: **"Ooh, so close. Bob Barker would so be owning you by now."

**Client: **"Not a Million…"

**DP: **"DING DING DING, we have a winner."

**Client: **"But… A million dollars?!"

**DP: **"Unless you're in Turkey."

**Client: **"It's only one kill!"

**DP: **"The rock-dude is usually quite an obstacle. Plus, he hits me harder 'cause I never understand a thing he's saying. I mean, who does? It's just deep gutteral sounds that with the help of a translator can maybe make out some singular letters."

**Client: **"Yeah, but…"

**DP: **"Then there's Sue Storm. If she got in the way – and she would – I have to wreck her pretty face, and I'm not prepared to make her a paper bag job yet… I'd probably get some minutes alone with her though…"

**Client: **"But whe-"

**DP: **"Oh, and don't even get me started on Johnny whats-his-name. He ALWAYS talks. He never stops! I mean, why can't he just shut up and let the other person speak for a little bit…?! Note the hypocritical reference."

**Client: **"… Fair enough. Deal."

**DP: **"Great!… How do you kill a guy made of rubber…?"

**Client: **"I don't know?"

**DP: **"Then I have nothing more to say to you! Good day, sir!"|

**Client: **"…"

**DP: **"…"

**Client: **"Aren't you gonna hang up?"

**DP: **"You called me."

**Client: **"So?"

**DP: **"You're paying for this."

**Client: **"So I should hang up then?"

**DP: **"Unless you wanna talk… So… how was school?"

**Client: **"…"

**DP: **"Bastard hung up on me!"

**Client: **"I haven't hung up…"

**DP: **"Oh…"

**Click. **

"_Save the cheerleader, save the world."_

**DP: **"X-Men copycats… They haven't even got a guy with lasers from his eyes…"

**Client: **"Who?"

**DP: **"I'm watching Heroes."

**Client: **"Oh."

**DP: **"That power would so totally rock. Lasers from your eyes… maybe adamantium swords from the arms, and teleporting… Except then my mouth would have to be sewn shut…"

**Client: **"Huh?"

**DP: **"Nevermind."

**[Hangs up the phone.]**


End file.
